THE Man who Laid the Golden Egg
Man slept and dreamt he had died and gone to heaven. He was taken to a very big feast where there was a lot of singing, dancing and rumming. Thereafter he was taken to his room and shown a big, golden bed. Al the while he keeps asking is keeper if he could return to earth and fetch his wife.
Man: (To his keeper) You mean to say I’ve just died? Oh no! Idon’t want to die.
Keeper: Why? Everybody must die. It’s just a matter of time. Remember (Quote Bible)? A thousand years in God’s sight is like one day – one full journey of the clock or less.
Man: No. I want to go back. I must go back. (He bolts, and starts to run back. The Keeper shouts and whitstles. Three Guards spring up, chase and grab him by the colar. They’re swearing at him “Common thief!” He’s sobbing, and pleadeding for his freedom, “No. Please, let me go.”
Keeper: Yes. You’re dead. You’ve been dead for ages now. You died and came to heaven.
Man: Mmn! Is that so? Am I actualy in heaven?
Keeper: Of course you’re. The Bibilical and fantastic heaven.
Man: Strange. How come I don’t see all those bishops and priests of the Church we used to pray with?
Keeper: This side of heaven is for other kinds of priests. People’s priests and priestesses. Are you one of them?
Man: Who are those?
Keeper: Business people, street preachers, politicians …
Man: No. I am none of those. I’ve never had the remotest thought of becoming a politician.
Keeper: The past doesn’t matter. Think of your fe now and in the future.
Man: Can one have a future without a past?
Keeper: Look! You’re asking too many questions. We’re getting laste for the banquet.
Man: A banquet? What for?
Keeper: So, you’ve never heard of that saying?
Man: What saying?
Keeper: Curiosity killed the cat.
Man: I am not a cat, and I shall never wear spots for a dress.
Keeper: Shut up! Never trouble trouble before it troubles you. Come on! Let’s go.
Man: I am innocent. You’re beating me for nothing.
Keeper: Ssshh – sh! (He leads him to another gate. It’s guarded by mean-looking guards, looking like shephers, mounting winged horses. He shwos them a golden card, and they let him in)
Man: Ha ha ha! Why? I thought everyone in heaven was happy!
Man: But listen. Isn’t it strange?
Keeper: What is?
Man: Phew! I swear those guards are fit for the gates of hell. That’s where people yell and protest to come out. The devil take them! And why do the horses have wings?
Keeper: Ssshh – ssh! I shall not take the blame. Do you eat bees?
Keeper: You’re talking like a chatterbox. Clattering and clucking like a hen about to lay eggs. Are you a chronicker?
Man: A chronicher? What’s that?
Keeper: Shut up!
Man: I am now confused. Tell me. Are you actually a servant of God?
Keeper: In this part of the owrld there are no maids or servants. We’re all masters of or own destiny. I expect you to do the same. Now get ready. We’re about to fly.
Man: Oh! How I hate flying! You see them. The dragon fly. It flies and dnaces around itself like a wizard. Be fore it knows what, it drops down dead. The same applies to white ants. Grasshoppers are no better. Alive one minute and dead the next, all to please men’s stomachs. It’s to sad. (slight pause) At least for the mosquitoes. They live for 21 days. Three full weeks of singing and dancing to the best of tunes.
Keeper: Rules are rules. No more talking.
Man: Wait a moment! See! (The mosquito dance follows) Keeper shows golden card. The gates swing open. They enter. It’s a big banquet hall. It’s as if a competition is taking palce. There are many choirs and dancing troupes. They perform many items in succession. Guard leads him to a huge table, ste up high and filled up with many different dishes, local and exotic. It’s the mosquito dance he enjoys most)
Guard: Enjoy yourself.
Man: No. You can’t leave me here alone.
Guard: Don’t forget you’re now dead. Jesus said, “I’ll give you a beffting helper”. Quote verse. Bye. (Just then, his wife re-enters, and lies beside him)
Man: (To the waiters) Excuse me. Can I ask a small favour of you? … Please! I left my wife behind. You know she likes to be busy around the house. Can I fecth her?
Guard: Does she have an invitation card?
Man: I don’t know. Who invites them? Ask your friend.
Guard: We have one duty here; to serve the guests brought to us. Enjoy your feast.
Man: Suddenly money notes fall around him. He darts his eyes around greedily. Waiters bring in more plates of food and place them before him. Waiter comes up to him
Waiter: Excuse me, Sir! I can volunteer to bring in your wife if you want.
Man: My wife? What for? No way.